My Therapist Thinks I'm OCD

My therapist thinks I'm OCD

...and autistic

...and ADHD

I'm already diagnosed with bipolar disorder

I was told I couldn't get diagnosed for OCD until I'm "emotionally stable for 2-3 months"

Of course, I'm emotionally unstable BECAUSE I'm not getting the right treatment

But what else could I do?

When I was younger

I thought it was bad luck to look at a specific part of my bathroom mirror

I would have to blink an even number to feel safe

The bigger the number

The safer I was

I would blink up to 60 times

My pediatric psychiatrist mentioned me having OCD

Once I was too old to see him

I switched to an adult psychiatrist

She didn't listen to a word I said

I would tell her how miserable my new meds felt

And she would just increase them

I was told that she was the one who took OCD off my medical record

It wasn't until I told my current psychiatrist about the blinking for me to get reassessed

As of today, I am officially diagnosed with OCD

My life is starting to make a lot more sense

My perfectionism has been holding me back for decades

In middle school, I would skip class to finish homework

Because I wanted to get everything done

In high school, I failed a few classes because I just didn't show up

In college, I would drop out of my classes for fear of failing

Even if it was just because I missed one (1) assignment

At work I find myself wanting to quit constantly because I'm not a expert at what I do

And that's just the OCD side of things

My OCD and autism wants to manage my time

But my ADHD doesn't let me

My autism wants a strict routine

But my ADHD doesn't let me

Antidepressants are used to treat OCD

But too much can trigger a manic episode from my bipolar

I am a combination of conditions that like to fight each other

Now that I'm diagnosed

I feel free

There is a reason why I am the way that I am

I'm not just insane

I am not trying to cause trouble

I am not doing this on purpose

Of course, with a diagnosis comes the responsibility of treating it

But now I have the resources from my providers

And the comfort of certainty

I can look up OCD without feeling like an imposter

I've been living my life thinking something was deeply wrong with me

But now I know

I'm just OCD

And there is nothing wrong with that